College Drop Out Party

The theme was to dress up as whatever you'd be if you dropped out of school right then and there. Costumes included welfare check, anchormen/news team, Costco's free sample lady, (not pictured) ski bums, zoo keepers, crack heads, jewish, boulder hippies, and trophy wives.

Vacation Lifestyles w/ Hans Hahn

Vacation Lifestyles from Ian Morrison on Vimeo.
Come explore some exciting Vacation Lifestyles with host Hans Hahn.  This was found on an old VHS tape in an Empire Strikes Back box at a local Goodwill store.

It also just so happens to star my friend Ian.

The Prologue To Nothing

It's like being in a bad Scooby-Doo mystery. Specifically, the one where the gang ties you to a chair and Velma has you choking on a homemade silencer. Yeah, I didn't like that episode either.

I get a quick breath of air as the gun is pulled out of my throat, but I lose it just as quickly as the butt of the gun meets my temple. Someone to my left asks me where the girl is. At least, I think that's what they ask. I can't really tell, but that if I was beating the shit out of me that's what I'd be asking myself. Either my ears are bleeding or this guy has the pronunciation ability of Batman with some kind of throat cancer. I think it's my ears.

Is This Art Yet?

Paper slips with compliments on them for bulletin boards around campus.  Click the picture for a downloadable/printable size.  The gender-neutral compliments are (from left to right):

• It would never occur to you to ever be anything other than yourself, would it?
• Did you get a hair cut?  It looks great.
• You seem like a really intelligent person.
  

My Mom Reviews Movies She Sorta Watched

I had breakfast with my parents today since they both got the day off (I'm not so lucky).  My mom tried to explain movies they've seen.

Hurt Locker

Mom:  It was like a war movie where they go around unplugging bombs.
Dad:  It was "like" a war movie?
Mom: Yeah!
Dad:  No it was a war movie, and you don't just "unplug" a bomb.
Mom:  Yeah that's what I said it was like a war movie and they unplug a bunch of bombs.  Have you seen it?
Me: No but I saw the trailer.
Mom:  Did you see all the bombs they unplugged?
Dad: They don't just unplug the bombs!

Air Force One

Mom:  Okay so this guy's president and they're in the plane and they start shooting holes in the plane but the air masks don't ever come down.
Me: (Just wanting to keep her going) Who played the president?
Mom:  That one guy, um, I think he was in that tomb movie.  Tomb-Something.
Me: Tomb Raider?
Mom: Yeah!
Dad: That was a chick.
Mom: No not Tomb Raider then it was that other Tomb movie...Raiders of the Lost Temple or something!
Me: Harrison Ford.  He was Han Solo.
Mom:  Yeah Han Solo was the president and the air masks never deployed when the cabin pressure dropped and nobody ever had a problem with getting sucked out of the plane.
Dad:  They dropped to a lower altitude so they could zip line.  Besdies it's not like all military fighter jets have oxygen masks.
Me:  Actually they do.
Mom:  Well yeah in the end they get off the plane and the masks never drop down.

The Godfather Trilogy

Mom:  It was a trilogy?
Dad:  Yup.
Mom:  Okay well it was about these wives and they didn't know their husbands were mobsters.
Me:  I think that's Goodfellas.
Mom:  No no no this one they thought they were garbage men or something.
Dad:  That's Soprano's.
Mom:  Oh okay well this one they were pretending to be Christian or Catholic or something...
Me: Same thing.
Mom:  Yeah but they weren't because they were bad and they go to weddings and stuff and this one guy has grapes in his mouth.
Me:  Grapes?
Mom:  Yeah he talks like he has grapes in his mouth the whole time and he sits behind a desk and tells people what to do.  Then there's a horse head in a bed which really freaked me out and a bunch of people get shot.

Interview

I asked her "Have you ever wished you could go back in time and fix your biggest mistakes?".  My mother said nothing and just stared back at me for a moment, and then continued to look on down the road.

I took that as a "yes".

My Cover Letter To Sharpie®

Dear Sanford Corporation ,

     I've purposely failed to attach my resume with interest in an internship with Sharpie products, due to my lack of marketing skills, chemical processing education, and (if applicable) child care experience. Still, I hope you see one simple thing: that I am a 20-year-old middle class Caucasian male attending a state-run university and with this I can offer you something no experienced businessman or advertising enthusiast can: product experience from the front line.  I'm the greatest sales rep for permanent marker pens you've ever seen, whether you hire me or not.
     It's common knowledge that you should only drink in the company of friends, so I personally have never woken up with a dick and balls drawn on my forehead.  A mustache to rival Stalin's.  The everlasting eyeshadow.  The “twenty five cents” per ride written above your crack.  I'm sure all of your Ed Hardy interns revel in stories of such escapades, but this is not what I offer.  I offer true friendship to you Sharpie.  I offer wisdom.
     Why not sell your markers for the public forums of bathroom stalls?  You wouldn't have to change your inks at all, just say hey, this marker is for drawing dotted lines on your sagging breasts before someone slices them up.  Marker's specifically for blacking out the eyes of ex-lovers in polariods or drawing swanky scribbles on your mixtapes so your friends think you're hip.  Pens to label your pirated DVD collection so you can tell the difference between the original “Planet of the Apes” versus the one you accidentally downloaded that stars Marky Mark.  You could even have a magnum marker that claims to write with thicker lines than the competition with Marky Mark's face on the packaging.  Say it prevents all vibrations, even the good ones.
     I thought Shooter was an okay movie, but I wasn't a huge fan of Max Payne or that other movie where he's a cop or something.  Never be embarrassed about what you were.  Hire me.  Tell nobody.
     Make it permanent.

Yours,

Trevor D