My Cover Letter To Sharpie®

Dear Sanford Corporation ,

     I've purposely failed to attach my resume with interest in an internship with Sharpie products, due to my lack of marketing skills, chemical processing education, and (if applicable) child care experience. Still, I hope you see one simple thing: that I am a 20-year-old middle class Caucasian male attending a state-run university and with this I can offer you something no experienced businessman or advertising enthusiast can: product experience from the front line.  I'm the greatest sales rep for permanent marker pens you've ever seen, whether you hire me or not.
     It's common knowledge that you should only drink in the company of friends, so I personally have never woken up with a dick and balls drawn on my forehead.  A mustache to rival Stalin's.  The everlasting eyeshadow.  The “twenty five cents” per ride written above your crack.  I'm sure all of your Ed Hardy interns revel in stories of such escapades, but this is not what I offer.  I offer true friendship to you Sharpie.  I offer wisdom.
     Why not sell your markers for the public forums of bathroom stalls?  You wouldn't have to change your inks at all, just say hey, this marker is for drawing dotted lines on your sagging breasts before someone slices them up.  Marker's specifically for blacking out the eyes of ex-lovers in polariods or drawing swanky scribbles on your mixtapes so your friends think you're hip.  Pens to label your pirated DVD collection so you can tell the difference between the original “Planet of the Apes” versus the one you accidentally downloaded that stars Marky Mark.  You could even have a magnum marker that claims to write with thicker lines than the competition with Marky Mark's face on the packaging.  Say it prevents all vibrations, even the good ones.
     I thought Shooter was an okay movie, but I wasn't a huge fan of Max Payne or that other movie where he's a cop or something.  Never be embarrassed about what you were.  Hire me.  Tell nobody.
     Make it permanent.

Yours,

Trevor D